I remember standing in Home Depot the day I left my husband (now ex-husband). At that point I was still trying to make thee hardest decision I’ve ever made….little did I know I was just a few hours from leaving everything behind. I stood in Home Depot picking out paint colors for my new home with my husband. While I was being instructed as to which colors HE liked and HE wanted in the house, my eyes drifted to the Disney collection of colors on the far side of the wall that would soon represent my life. I saw a vibrantly awesome shade of hot pink. I picked up the paint swatch and said to my best friend, “This is me. I’m hot pink. I lost that part of me. Where’s the hot pink!? I am NOT camo green!” It was at that moment that I realized that I had changed….for a man and for a life I thought was what I wanted. Puff.
There are times in a relationship where we step back and have a moment of clarity, an “ah ha” moment where we ask ourselves, “Do I actually enjoy this? Or do I do it because HE enjoys it?” This…is a tough question. We all know girls who are chameleons. If they date a guy who’s into sports, the girl suddenly knows everything about said boys favorite players and sports teams. She invests in cute pink sports jerseys and indulges in Sunday football with the utmost enthusiasm (this is usually the point where I want to punch her), when months ago they were complaining about how much they hate football season. So where is the line between Chameleon and Adjustment. At what point are we changing ourselves to coexist with the other person rather than just partaking in a few of their interests? Puff.
Sometimes, like in my situation, it blindsides you and before you know it, you’ve lost yourself, or who you used to be. I HATE camping and I found myself pretending to enjoy it because my husband liked it. I slept in mildewey tents and peed outside (which I am MISERABLE at doing!) all because I had convinced myself that because he loved it, and I loved him…that I too, loved camping. I did not. I do love singing. And dancing. And writing. I love going to bookstores. I forgot who that person was until the week after I left my husband and my best friend put a journal on my desk at work with the simple inscription, “Hoping you find your inspiration.” I have NOT stopped writing ever since. So, is it the guys fault or is it our fault for letting ourselves get so intertwined in someone elses life that we forget what WE actually enjoy. I’ll often people watch, especially at parties or social gatherings, and I’ll watch the girl, sitting loyally next to her fella, nodding at everything he says. She laughs when he laughs, rarely speaks and certainly never asserts her opinion. I often wonder what she’s like when she’s with her girlfriends, or alone in the car. Puff.
I still write in my journal, and nestled inside the front cover is a taped Hot Pink Disney paint swatch reminding me to never lose the hot pink that is me.Depuff.
